A Cylist’s life

A Cylist’s life

I occasionally drive a car, hence i am a motorist, i do my best not to fall into any of these groups. I also recommend you don’t waste your time reading this drivel, however if you do decide to read on - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I am a cyclist, i ride to work and i work to ride, as a long distance runner i find cycling to be an important part of my training regime (as is chocolate & biscuits).

Over the years i have experienced the pitfalls of cycling but have managed to stay in one piece and, through adopting a defensive riding style, i have managed to remain pretty much damage free.

This has not happened by chance, if you want to stay upright on the roads today you have to treat motorists with the contempt they deserve. Many of them are mindless narcissistic idiots who have little focus on anything but self. Harsh but fair.

I like to put motorists into groups based on simple rules, which i make up as i go along, i also allow myself to name the groups, usually with something derogatory, this is because it amuses me and in my mind its ok.

Using what i call the “Ricker scale” i give each group a mark from 10, 1-4 are minor annoyances and any self respecting cyclist should spot these easily, scores between 5 and 10 are awarded to “special” people who excel, even for motorists.

Desperate Don the “Dick head” driver.

Desperate Don drivers are always in a rush and don’t care about other road users, in fact the more venerable the road user the less Don cares. Don is a bully who will squeeze through any gap, ignoring the cyclist who is in the way and the poor unsuspecting normal person who is unlucky enough to be coming the other way. Don scores 5 on the “Ricker scale”.

Pull out Pamela queen “Munter”.

Pamela is the motorist who pulls up to a T junction and takes time to follow the highway code, looking right, left and right again. Pamela ensures there are no other motorists coming from either direction before pulling out, directly into the path of an oncoming cyclist. The excuse for this manoeuvre is usually “i’m sorry i didn’t see you”. (despite the crappy dayglo jacket you are forced to wear and use of cycle lights even in daylight hours, all this and they “didn’t see you”) A keen cyclist can usually spot a Munter because they look you in the eyes before pulling out. Hence they only score a 6 on the “Ricker scale”.

Clark the “chocolate star fish”

Clark is often married to or partnered with a “Munter” and displays many of the same quirky behaviours. However Clark knows he is better than a “Munter” and has developed a technique called the “twat”. This technique takes time to perfect and the consequences of getting it wrong can be quite dramatic. The “twat” requires Clark to have patience and wait for the cyclist to be almost level before pulling out along side and gently drifting towards the kerb, forcing the cyclist to take evasive action or be squashed into the kerb. Obviously the cyclist can be accused of undertaking if this happens. Clark scores a 7 on the “Ricker scale”.

Brian the “Brain Donor”

Brian is a very desperate person, passing every cyclist you see is a must if you are Brian. No matter how stupid you look or how dangerous you have to drive you have to pass that cyclist. One of Brians favourite manoeuvres is to pass a cyclist, pull in front and brake for the queue of traffic that he is now moving very fast towards. It doesn’t matter that the cyclist will slow, pull out behind Brian and simply coast past the queue of cars in front, Brian included. Brian is dangerous because he doesn’t know he is a Brain Donor and Scores an impressive 8 on the “Ricker scale”.

Britney and Tyler

Britney and Tyler are Chavs, they Drive a Corsa 1.2 or Renault clio 1.2 with a noisy exhaust, a shopping list on the front wing and tyres that rub on the wheel arches. Britney and Tyler like to let cyclists get next to their driver door window before a bomber (see definition 5) falls off their joint into their lap, burning their crotch and causing them to turn right without bothering to indicate, taking the poor innocent cyclist along for the ride. It is also important to note, these vehicles often have smoked tail lights so they are impossible to see even if, by some strange coincidence, an indicator should be accidently activated. This is not the fault of the Chavs, many generations of in breeding and a poor up bringing mean they are destined to remain oblivious. Because of their unpredictability Britney and Tyler Score an 9 on the “Ricker scale”.

Taxi Drivers

For all of the above reasons Taxi drivers score a perfect 10 on the “Ricker scale”, any sane cyclist will avoid them at all costs.

This is mostly drivel written for the sole purpose of amusing me and allowing me to vent, all except for Taxi Drivers, our local Taxi Drivers are without doubt scum of the earth.