Sometimes i wish i was sane.....

Sometimes I wish I was sane, I don’t mean in the true sense of the word, no I mean all there, firing on all cylinders. While I am not the smartest person you are likely to meet I am not so dumb that I don’t know this, what I do know is I have some issues in my head which can make life challenging.

Mornings are the worst time of day for me, this is when I feel at my most vulnerable, it seems like just about anything can trigger a dive in my mood and if that happens the depression can last an hour, a day a week or even a month.

Over the years I have found ways to manage my reaction to negative stimulus but often this can take a while to kick in which leaves me in a state of limbo not knowing which way it will got, which in turn give a great anxiety, a feeling of anticipation.

Even positive things can force my mood to take a downward spiral, take the past 2 weeks as an example. I am tapering down for a big run, probably the hardest running challenge I have ever attempted.

In sport tapering refers to the practice of reducing the amount of training during the weeks leading up to an important challenge, for me usually this happens over a month and gives my body time to rest and recover for the hard training it has had to endure whilst getting fit for the challenge.

In these weeks my vulnerability to depression increases in line with the reduction in exercise, so in the final week of tapering I find myself in a place of dismay and confusion, anxiety rules and the hole I am in just keeps on getting deeper. Under normal circumstances I would just go for a run but during the final week of taper this is not possible.

So I keep myself busy around the house, constantly searching for something to do, decorating, cleaning, tidying and annoying my long suffering partner with obsessive behaviours that challenge even the most over active teenager, all the while I am thinking about my time wasting away just waiting for my challenge to arrive.

Right now I have one week to go before attempting the Charlie Ramsey Round, this is 54 miles with 28,000 foot of ascent and descent, it all takes place around Fort William in the Scottish Higlands and takes in the summits of 24 Munroe’s.

All of this anxiety will go away the moment I take the first step, however there are other ways to end the pain I am going through, ending the pain now would feel so good.  I could just give in before I start, perhaps fake an injury or illness, simply say I’m not going to do it, so why don’t I do this? Perhaps I should?

“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” 
― Edgar Allan Poe

“Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.” 
― Mark Twain