Strange fruit

Strange fruit reminds me of Billie Holidays song about the lynching of African Americans in the early 1900's, thinking about the slaughter of so many innocent people makes me feel sick.

Today i have been making smoothies with my youngest daughter, mango and strawberry, which i though was a strange combination, hence the strange fruit thoughts. It often suprises me how I let such negative thoughts finding their way into my mind.

I don't always recognise the patterns but some days its easy, i may be cycling to work and a driver passes a little close, my thoughts turn to the sort of things that i would like to do to them as punishment. Obviously the punishment out weighs the crime significantly as my mind exaggerates the supposed "crime" this person has committed. I'm pretty sure 50 lashes is quite severe for being in a rush and causing me to flinch.

As my mood gets driven down by each negative though i usually start to cotton on to what's happening and try to change the thought patterns to a more positive direction, often having sympathy for the poor souls stuck in their tin boxes in queues of traffic, going no where fast and having to stop at all the red lights, although many seem to ignore red light and road signs alike.

I get great pleasure from cycling to work each day and much prefer this to driving, it can be difficult when the weather is poor but using the correct clothing is a cure for all bad weather. I was once told that there is no such thing as the wrong weather, it has more to do with the wrong clothes.

I recently got caught in a sudden down pour whilst cycling to work, while getting changed into my work clothes I realised that I had forgotten to pack any spare underwear, which left me with a dilemma! Do I keep the wet boxers on and sit at my desk with steam rising from my groin in the vain hope that no one notices or should I “go commando” and suffer chaffing all day?

Its Monday already (1am Sunday night / Monday morning) where did the weekend go? The start of a new week and I am allowing myself to be optimistic about the week ahead, i plan to remain positive throughout and make it to the weekend without any further “situations”. Fingers crossed :)

I shall be kind to myself, doing all I can to avoid situations which are likely to cause me stress, instead I will get my head down and take one day at a time. We often forget to be kind to our selves, why do we put our selves in situations which could have a significant negative effect on our well being? Its not smart.

Over the years I have learned many ways to be kind to myself and often neglect to use them. This is not smart.

This week I also hope to be smarter.

Cycling, the new running

When i woke this morning i new i wouldn't be doing any running in the mountains, not only did my head say no but my left shin said "no way Dave". So Debbie and i drove home.

As we approached home Debbie said i should probably go out on the bike for a while as cycling is a good way to exercise without any impact on my joints/shins. As usual, good advice from Debbie so after a little nap (us old people like a nap in the day time) i went out on my road bike.

I cycled 37 miles with nearly 3000 foot of ascent at an average of 15.5 mph, my top speed (down a big hill) was 40 mph. On a bicycle 40 mph feels like 100 mph in a car, dangerous. The route included the longest continuous ascent in England, Cragg Vale, this ascent was part of the TDF in 2014 and the road is still covered in graffiti from over zealous fans.

I ride a reasonable new hybrid bike that is my day to day commuter, my usual ride is 4.5 miles each way to work and back. 37 miles is a long way for me but it was fun so i hope to use this as my way to keep a reasonable level of fitness, i should be able to run a little so the Lakeland 100 race should still be viable (fingers crossed). Perhaps i may even swim a little.

My Hybrid - Scott Sub 20

My legs hurt but i feel good, if a little distant from reality but i'm going to call it a good day, at least so far.

In recent days i had decided to share more of my life than is usual for me in the hope that writing about how i feel will help me with some of the things i am struggling with. My running partner called to see me, a short social visit but we have both suffered with injury recently and not had chance to catch up, it makes such a difference. I have also had some messages and emails from friends reminding me that they care, you know who you are guys. Thank you, it means a lot to me.

I will continue to share in the hope that it keep on making a difference to my life, some of it may even be worth reading. (no promises) 

Joss Naylor reccie

This is my first Joss Naylor Challenge reccie.

Debbie and I set off to the Lake district at 8 this morning  and I was walking out of Pooley Bridge by 10.30, fortunately the beginning of the route passes through a massive campsite close with good facilities for ..er.. comfort breaks..

High street (i think)

I suffer with shin splints in my left leg and it has been giving me some real problems recently, focusing on mountain running helps as the pace is much steadier and of course the ground is softer so the chance to get out in the mountains is a real treat and I do love the lake district.

The first leg of the reccie was much tougher than I expected but I'm pretty sure that has more to do with my mental state than physical fitness. 6 hours to Dunmail raise is way off schedule but it was my first reccie and I did get the second half of the reccie just about bang on schedule.

Found this at the top of the descent to the Kirkstone pass inn, possibly a marker for the Joss Naylor challenge?

So after a poor start to the day it did pick up and i had a good run. We are staying in the lake district tonight so no traveling in the morning. A good sleep and  hopefully Sunday will go as well.

Riding the roller coaster, part 1 - Darkness

When I go to sleep at night I don’t worry about where I may wake up, although I often hope it’s a better place than before I went to sleep. When I wake I usually know where I am today.

Usually I wake to the sound of my alarm and sit up in bed with a groan, scratch my balls and stagger off to the bathroom for a hot shower. The shower drags me kicking and screaming into reality and this is when I know for sure.

If I wake with the darkness I know it going to be a long day, I feel the distress and try to convince myself it’s going to be ok, I can make it through the day and get back to the safety of my bed.

But some days it just not like that, some days I wish I could hide away, the day can be so long, I feel lethargic, drowsy and disinterested, its take all my strength to push up the shop front and try to appear normal. Convince people I’m just like them, an ordinary every day bloke doing his best for the greater good, when what I really want is to cry and scream, let the anguish drag me down and consume me.

It’s easy to drive people away with anger, with negativity. Some days I get to work early so I don’t have to speak to anyone, i put my headphone in and hide, from everyone, from everything, the whole world. Just leave me alone so I can make it to one more sleep.

Recently there have been more bad days than good but i'm a fighter so I keep going, its only when the wheels fall off you realise that you haven't been “right” for a while, it sneaks up on you and bang, you are on your arse again. The problem with this is the damage it can do to the people around you, relationships and jobs suffer because thats where you have the most invested, unfortunately you don't know until the damage is done and often its too late.

Imagine hanging from a cliff, the strain in your arms makes every muscle scream, your fingers are raw and slipping closer to the edge, you are being sucked into the darkness below. It hurts so bad feel like you just can't hold on any longer and want to let go, let go of the pain, the constant suffering and slip gently into sleep, the nice kind of sleep without dreams and without waking.

I'm sure its not supposed to feel good but the truth is, some days it does.