When I go to sleep at night I don’t
worry about where I may wake up, although I often hope it’s a
better place than before I went to sleep. When I wake I usually know
where I am today.
Usually I wake to the sound of my alarm
and sit up in bed with a groan, scratch my balls and stagger off to
the bathroom for a hot shower. The shower drags me kicking and
screaming into reality and this is when I know for sure.
If I wake with the darkness I know it
going to be a long day, I feel the distress and try to convince
myself it’s going to be ok, I can make it through the day and get
back to the safety of my bed.
But some days it just not like that,
some days I wish I could hide away, the day can be so long, I feel
lethargic, drowsy and disinterested, its take all my strength to push
up the shop front and try to appear normal. Convince people I’m
just like them, an ordinary every day bloke doing his best for the
greater good, when what I really want is to cry and scream, let the
anguish drag me down and consume me.
It’s easy to drive people away with
anger, with negativity. Some days I get to work early so I don’t
have to speak to anyone, i put my headphone in and hide, from
everyone, from everything, the whole world. Just leave me alone so I
can make it to one more sleep.
Recently there have been more bad days
than good but i'm a fighter so I keep going, its only when the wheels
fall off you realise that you haven't been “right” for a while,
it sneaks up on you and bang, you are on your arse again. The problem
with this is the damage it can do to the people around you,
relationships and jobs suffer because thats where you have the most
invested, unfortunately you don't know until the damage is done and
often its too late.
Imagine hanging from a cliff, the
strain in your arms makes every muscle scream, your fingers are raw
and slipping closer to the edge, you are being sucked into the
darkness below. It hurts so bad feel like you just can't hold on any
longer and want to let go, let go of the pain, the constant suffering
and slip gently into sleep, the nice kind of sleep without dreams and
without waking.
I'm sure its not supposed to feel good
but the truth is, some days it does.
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